Monday, May 4, 2009


I have found out that grief is a strange companion. Always with you, sometimes easy to handle, but other times just over whelming. It's the little things that get to you the most. Some days I feel I can handle just about everything other days I feel like I;m drowning. Some times it's a song, a smell, something someone says, a place, and all of a sudden the memories just come flooding in. I think the more you love someone the stronger the pain of losing them. I grieved a lot when my parents died and my baby brother, but that is nothing compared to losing my eternal companion. And yes, I do know wothout a doudt that I will be with him again on the other side of the veil and that does help, I don't know how I could stand it without the gospel. But the everyday missing him is just so hard to bear. And it's very scary to think that it will be this way until I finally join him. Some days I just feel so lost without my Sweet Bill. Everyone keeps telling me how well I'm handling my grief and how strong I am, but I don't feel that way at all. How I'd like to be in his arms just one more time. I just don't enjoy this new companion Grief, one little bit!


Princess Lisa said...

There is no shame in expressing your pain and loss. Even though we believe in eternal families and I know that you will be reunited with your husband, it doesn't make your pain go away. It can help diminish it so that we are not brought down by it, but it still hurts.
Others sometimes see a strength in us that we can't see in ourselves. When you are feeling your weakest, know that your loves ones recognize the quiet strength and faith it takes to get through loss and heartache. We do see in you what you may not feel for yourself.
Believe in us, believe in what we see and know. Believe in the strength we know you possess, believe in the strength of our Father in Heaven. Know of our love for you, for Father's love for you, and your husband's love for you. You will be with him again and that brings immense comfort and joy...but sometimes the pain can overwhelm that. It's okay to feel the pain. Hopefully the feelings of such intense sorrow do not overwhelm the feelings you have of joy, hope and love. Both from our Father and from your family.

I love you.

Princess Lisa said...

P.S. Grief is a bitch of a mistress and she must be stopped. I say we stone her. In the town square, no less.

Rae said...

Sweet Princess Lisa, I agree, lets stone her! It is so hard some days and others are okay, and I do know Heavenly Father and Bill both love me, I have been blessed beyond belief. It's just the stupid little things that make it hard. I appreciate your kind and thoughtful words and I love you so much. Sometimes it just being here alone that makes it hard as you well know. I hate having to decide all the dumb things by myself that I never had to do while Bill was with me. This is just one of those "pity Potty" days. Maybe I need to pray a little harder!?!

Lonna said...

Mom, as I told you earlier, you can stay on your 'pity pot' as long as you want to. Nobody can knock you off or even tell when it's time to get off. Once in a while, you may decided to slide off and take a look see at the rest of the world and then hop right back on. Eventually, (and I believe you are there) you will be off the pity pot more than you are on. Isn't it nice to know it's right there if you need it!? I think grief is a tough task master and demands the best part of us at times, but it is a sure sign of deep and abiding love.
I put your name in the Temple last Wednesday. Do you feel the love yet? Don't worry, you will. :)
I love you.

Rae said...

Thank you ,Lonna. I so need that. I appreciate you Dear Daughter, and I know that you love me which gives me strength. I think it's just that I have been getting into the Family History Stuff and it just brings back so many memories. Not that they good ones just painful. I'm going to the MFHC Auxerily building tonight for some classes. They have them for 4 weeks for Ward Consultants. We'll see!?!

Kimber said...

Posts like this make me worry so, and then hearing your voice last night talking about it...I wanted to get off the phone and cry. I guess just as parents never quit worrying about their kids, sometimes their kids never quit worrying about them too.

Regardless of what you think Mom, you are strong. I know I talk to you nearly everyday. You have gone from a woman once upon a time ago who had never pumped her own gas (and I had to show you how), to someone who does it all even road trips alone. I am very proud of you Mom and I love you!

Rae said...

Thanks Kimber, I'm glad you at least think I'm strong. Wish I did. LOve you too!

Anonymous said...

Grandma you are amazing and strong and that grief will always be with you and that is ok. President Hinkley had to live with it on a daily basis and run the church. I can't imagine his grief but he stayed strong just liek you are doing, and liek sucks sometimes and Heavenly Father knows that but you have the greatest blessing in knowing where Granddad is at soem people don't even know wehre their loved ones are. Complain and cry all you want it is totally cool with all of us especially becasue if we were in the same plac ewe would do the the same thing.